Holy Nukes

Nuclear weapons are humanity’s highest moral achievement. Everybody should have a few.

In the summer of 2002 war threatened between nuclear-armed India and Pakistan. The result: pacifism descended upon the earth. The Presidents of the United States and Russia seemed in hourly phone consultations over the crisis. The UK and the US slammed the breaks on India’s tourism industry. Bono headed for Islamabad. Then responding to pressure that would make a corset seem like a bathrobe, nuclear India and Pakistan chilled out. Their nukes taught the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Elsewhere on earth among non-nuclear countries, wars rage daily with barely a press release from the rich countries.

Nuclear weapons kept the “cold” in “cold war.” From the1920 through the 80’s US troops and our proxies showed up shooting all over the world, but not in the nuclear armed Soviet Union or nuclear-armed China or even nuclear France even though they deserve it on general principle.

The Soviets had a tenth the nukes of the US but they scared Ronald Reagan so bad he came that close to eliminating the whole arms race despite America being in the lead.

Israel’s nukes kept Arab armies at bay long enough for those armies to crumble to armored dust.

Had Iraq actually possessed nukes we wouldn’t have invaded and if North Korea didn’t have them Rumsfeld might be right now be dining at the Pyongyang McDonalds.

So forget this non-proliferation glop. I got the bumper sticker “Pro-Life Pro-Liferation!” And I don’t just mean countries. Cold fusion science advances daily and inevitably toward personal nuclear devices. George Forman should market the noisy neighbor knockout nuke. When the opposing team hits a home run into the home stands. Don’t just reject the ball back onto the field, make it go boom with a “mini-mushroom.”

You want to end domestic violence raise its price to annihilation.

Besides it’s not like opposing nukes stops their spread. Like everything else you ban it just forces folks to get sneakier witness, Pakistan… and North Korea… and India… and Libya. But there’s a lot of free-floating weapons expertise and a bunch unaccounted for Soviet nuclear material in the world. Making it a matter time till every group from Ansar al-Islam to the Girl Scouts have their own thermonuclear nest egg. Iran wants nukes, give them some of ours, history persuades us it’ll stabilize the region.

Like they say, “If you can’t beat ‘em, let ‘em join you.”