Tortured Explanations

Condi could not have been clearer; "the United States did not have torture relations with that man, Kahlid Sheik Muhammad." Pay no attention to that blue dress with the bloodstains.

I am proud that the secretary of state is going to set the Europeans straight about how America treats it's victims- I mean prisoners- I mean detainees.

I hope she explains to them that the use of snarling dogs to intimidate people who've never even been charged with anything is just our way of promoting inter-species understanding.

Administration critics need to understand that against the threats of the 21st century, we cannot rely on 20th century interrogation methods we must look forward and embrace the techniques of the 15th century. Don't think of it as the rack; consider it "violently assisted yoga." Hanging hooded suspects from the ceiling by their wrists should merely be considered "a dangling conversation."

And as for the reports and photographs of the Gulfstream V, with tail number N379P, that's been used to whisk detainees to secret locations around the world where they have subsequently just disappeared? Give us some credit. We are, at our own expense, helping those people accumulate massive frequent flier miles.

I'm certain that once they get the right perspective Europeans will be proud to join our noble struggle against undue process. After all, and without any doubt, the United States is not a nation of torturers. Of course that does depend on what the meaning of is, is.