You can tell winter has arrived in Chicago when the lawn chairs start coming out. Yeah that’s right, lawn chairs in the winter.
First you gotta understand about Chicago Snow. In Chicago the snow is political. We elect and throw out mayors based on how they handle the show. They say that in election years the mayor assigns one city worker for each snowflake.
Then there’s Chicago show itself. Ours ain’t like that snow. Chicago snow is not the wimpy, New England, go visit grandma in the sleigh kind of snow you you see in the movies. Ours is city snow; tough, heavy, darker and meaner than that picture postcard stuff. Just get to the streets of Chicago snow has got to pass through a gauntlet of chimney soot, factory smokestacks, pigeons and auto exhaust. Only the toughest flakes make it to our town and only the toughest Chicagoans shovel it.
Once the snow hits the ground in Chicago it gets even tougher and to us more beautiful. Since a Chicago winter can last two, maybe three years the snow can hang around for a while. After a few weeks our snow ripens to a lovely gray, like the hair of a beautiful mature woman. And we become more respectful of it, being careful where we step on it knowing the beneath that gorgeous gray is just about pure dog poop.
A lot of Chicagoans don’t like garages, even some people who could afford ‘em. We think of our cars like the Eskimos think of their sled dogs; we figure exposure to the elements toughens them up.
Normally we don’t sweat a little snowstorm. Half a foot, no big deal, we just break out some lunchroom trays and use ‘em as sleds to slide down the hills in Lincoln park. But when the show gets to be about a foot deep we have to dig our cars out of their parking spaces.
That’s why we have the lawn chairs. When you have spent two hours shoveling your ninety-seven Impala out of the out of a parking spot, you do not want to come home to find your space taken by some (disdainfully) VW Beetle or worse one of then Cooper Minis. Those are the cars Chicagoans put in our glove compartments. They’re lucky we let then on the streets of our beloved city. But they definitely don’t deserve our shoveled out spaces.
So to prevent such travesties we put lawn furniture in our newly cleared out parking spots to remind people to respect our labor. So if you’re in Chicago some winter and see a lawn chair resting proudly between two big mounds of snow. Sit down and take a load off. Then when the spots hard workin’ owner comes back. Congratulate ‘em on a spot well dug.
First you gotta understand about Chicago Snow. In Chicago the snow is political. We elect and throw out mayors based on how they handle the show. They say that in election years the mayor assigns one city worker for each snowflake.
Then there’s Chicago show itself. Ours ain’t like that snow. Chicago snow is not the wimpy, New England, go visit grandma in the sleigh kind of snow you you see in the movies. Ours is city snow; tough, heavy, darker and meaner than that picture postcard stuff. Just get to the streets of Chicago snow has got to pass through a gauntlet of chimney soot, factory smokestacks, pigeons and auto exhaust. Only the toughest flakes make it to our town and only the toughest Chicagoans shovel it.
Once the snow hits the ground in Chicago it gets even tougher and to us more beautiful. Since a Chicago winter can last two, maybe three years the snow can hang around for a while. After a few weeks our snow ripens to a lovely gray, like the hair of a beautiful mature woman. And we become more respectful of it, being careful where we step on it knowing the beneath that gorgeous gray is just about pure dog poop.
A lot of Chicagoans don’t like garages, even some people who could afford ‘em. We think of our cars like the Eskimos think of their sled dogs; we figure exposure to the elements toughens them up.
Normally we don’t sweat a little snowstorm. Half a foot, no big deal, we just break out some lunchroom trays and use ‘em as sleds to slide down the hills in Lincoln park. But when the show gets to be about a foot deep we have to dig our cars out of their parking spaces.
That’s why we have the lawn chairs. When you have spent two hours shoveling your ninety-seven Impala out of the out of a parking spot, you do not want to come home to find your space taken by some (disdainfully) VW Beetle or worse one of then Cooper Minis. Those are the cars Chicagoans put in our glove compartments. They’re lucky we let then on the streets of our beloved city. But they definitely don’t deserve our shoveled out spaces.
So to prevent such travesties we put lawn furniture in our newly cleared out parking spots to remind people to respect our labor. So if you’re in Chicago some winter and see a lawn chair resting proudly between two big mounds of snow. Sit down and take a load off. Then when the spots hard workin’ owner comes back. Congratulate ‘em on a spot well dug.
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